I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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