i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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