is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
