I checked into jail on foursquare
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
