I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
