Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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