i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
