my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
