I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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