you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
