She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I came so hard my ears popped.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
