Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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