the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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