I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
