If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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