what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
