Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
