If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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