Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
