Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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