I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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