Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
