Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
