So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
