I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
