I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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