Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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