mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
