a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
