Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
