Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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