Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
