Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
