My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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