everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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