Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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