In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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