Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
