It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
