If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
