Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
