i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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