I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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