Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my shit smells like andre
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
