Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She even gives head with a lisp.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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