His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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