just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She bit a glass in half.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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