she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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