I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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