No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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