Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
