Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
